August 10, 2008 • 3:46 am
i just came home from a birthday party at riverside. my mother just tagged me along. it turned out to be an okay gathering. i thought it would be boring. but the party was filled with nice and jovial people. i met a woman who could be my ticket to getting a more stable [and permanent] job. yay! she was was cool. so, i hope everything pans out. and OH, one of the reasons why i came was because i wanted to meet marco sison. i like his voice. i wanted to hear him sing “make believe”. but for some reason he wasn’t able to come. hay.
in the latter, the famous make-up artist fanny serrano came. he looked so tired from the plane ride. he just came from the philippine expo which took place in pomona. he did a demo: the fundamentals of how to put make-up. he also introduced his fanny serrano line of make-up. i must say that i love his concealer. the concealer [when applied] is not heavy or cakey. i didn’t really want to approach fanny because he seems to be mataray. but when he said, “hali ka dito iha“, it seems like i had no other choice but to follow. he was trying to figure out the color of concealer. i was a walnut/chestnut. basta nut. then he said that he liked my morena color and the color of my jet black hair. i shouldn’t change neither of them. wow. naks. he seemed to be tripping on my lips. he liked my lips. he told me to try the red lipstick. but i don’t wear lipstick at all. i’m hesitant because i might look like a pokpok. hahaha. but in fairness carry. hahaha.
after the demo, me and my mother got to speak to fanny. he gave us his number in the philippines. he was shock as to how old i was. we were talking and he was like…
don’t dye your hair [like red] bagay na sa’yo yan. maganda noo mo, maganda ilong mo, maganda yung lips mo. pag nag debut ka ako ang magmake-up sa’yo.
hahaha. i said, “tita fanny i’m way past my debut 25 years old na po ako.” and fanny said “HAAA … na fake-han mo ako”.
riverside is such a long drive. but kuya edgar’s house was nice. the drive home was nice. the stars were out to play. there was one big one. geeeeesh i wish it heard my wish. hahaha. sana sana.
Filed under: one of those moments
i have never looked forward to anything or anyone more and the possibilities that it holds than him and the future it seems to promise. it sounds absurd and even insane to feel that way about a certain someone that you have just met. but it is a feeling that i rarely encounter and a feeling that not even my wild imaginings can fabricate. it is the feeling of calm excitement that stirs my insides, the glow in my eyes -steady gleam that radiates- as i stare at my ceiling cracks with amazement. i lay there in my bed, in what seemed like clouds, wondering, mind-wandering, awed and wowed. it was the kind of conversation that signal familiarity. “what was that all about?”, i kept saying. it left me breathless. i was speechless. it took awhile for the glow to subside. it was in the wee hours of the morning, aurora’s light appeared. the final flicker of eros’ ember waned and finally i slept, with a smile on my face.
it is inconceivable to think of the possibilities. but it is a farfetched dream that i wouldn’t mind dwelling in at all. i’m a damn fool.
Filed under: one of those moments , random
Current mood: 
calm
Calm like a bird on a perch, watching passerby. I often see a lone pigeon, on a light post. It is unusual to see a bird by itself because generally they travel and compose in packs. There are times I see one pigeon at the edge of the perch by itself, while the others on the far left mingling together. I am that bird on that perch. You travel within the pack, mingle and coexist. But there is an element of detachment that separates you from the others. It feeds off the feeling of not belonging. It is not that you are marginalized. It’s just you don’t quite fit in. It’s like flying amongst homogenized grey colored flock and you are the only weird looking, white feathered pigeon. I am that weird looking, white feathered pigeon on that perch.
There is something about being calm that alarms a person more. It makes you wonder. Could this be the calm before the storm? Only a true pessimist would say that. I feel all right with the world and at one with the universe. For once the heavens dropped lower, within an earshot, at my beck hermeneutically whispering of what’s to come. Oh dear Hermes do relay what the stars have in store. It is a feeling I haven’t felt before or I have but not quite like this. I am not sure if it’s confidence that I exude or just have that optimistic belief that everything will turn out just fine. I have picked out the prickling thorns. I can breathe easier.
The saying goes:
“When you want something the whole universe conspires in helping you in achieving it.” [Alchemist, P. Coelho].
So Eros, universe and cosmic conspirators get to work and let’s conspire!
Filed under: one of those moments
it is a bit hazy but not murky. it is quite like the ambiance of foggy london town. yes, it is queer to juxtapose one’s emotional stature to the atmospheric conditions of london. but i couldn’t think of a better simile to describe it vividly. not many people enjoys that kind of weather. it is a bit gloomy and cold. then again, it is like looking at a situation glass half-full. i beg to differ. i think it grows on you. of course, the sun is the best possible option. if you live in southern california or anywhere sunny, the sun is of abundance. it is the typical socal weather. from time to time, it gets a bit cool and hazy. socal weather is unpredictable, you know. at times we get hazy conditions at random moments.
the previous emotional weather report had me compared to a weird looking, white-feathered pigeon. now i find myself depicting my current disposition to atmospheric conditions. yes, it is a bit somber but not depressing. i think things move in cyclical fashion. you will have your highs and lows. eh. you just have to navigate through the ebb and flow. there is a certain sadness that looms. perhaps it is unavoidable. so while we’re caught here got a thought or two i need to share with you. here goes…
i like to have control. who doesn’t? i don’t mind giving the reigns to someone else. it’s just that i get so impatient. i should be emphatic. but sometimes it is tiring to be understanding. you wonder, “what the hell am i trying to understand here?”. is there something i ought to know, you’re finding hard to say? [sighs]. most of it was of my own doing. but i would never do it on a whim. everything was calculated and scrutinized to pieces, though the logic around it was not on point. i would never pour my heart and soul over something and or someone, if there wasn’t any type of stimulus or response. i would not waste my sweat and tears if i didn’t think it was worthy of my time. now, it’s another thing if the cause in question was worthy of it. kapag tumibok, patuloy yan tumitibok na walang pahintuan, at wala ka na magagawa. bihag ka na.
i no longer know what to do but secede and give free reigns to whatever kontras that are out there. it is not to say that i’ve lost. kapag nagmahal ka naman, hindi ka talo. i remember someone telling me that. i have to let go. i have to have more faith. darn it eros! we need to coordinate, work with me here. i have to conspire with the cosmic conspirators and get the whole universe revved up. i need to have faith. soooo, done deal. i let go.
i walk amidst the foggy london town. it’s not the best of all possible worlds, but it will do. i am quite all right. and it’s oh so clear. yes, it’s oh so clear to me now.
and now i’m wondering whether weather like this gets you too?
Filed under: one of those moments
it is quite an interesting state to be in sedation (or in the process of being sedated) because you are blanketed by the arms of sleep. the medicine slowly lulls you to sleep. but claritin-d and i have a turbulent relationship. the medicine kicks in and your senses becomes somewhat numb and you feel soft. one would think the next step would be for me to be knocked out. in the contrary, i am not knocked out. i am partially awake -obviously- and my body is trying to shut down but the brain is still in motion. i am in between being knocked out and being awake; ergo, a vision of a zombie-like creature that smells like vicks. how lovely! instead of tossing and turning X amount of times, cursing and fake sleeping, i decided to write. it enables me to compartmentalize my disarrayed thoughts so that i can digest it and understand it. this is when my left-brain goes to work and into overtime: analyzing and scrutinizing it to pieces.
it’s on my mind right now. it floats every now and then in the forefront of my mind. it’s complicated. yet at the same time it’s lovely. when in the moment things are simple and it feels right. it feels raw and honest. words are at times not of necessity but one can engross whatever sentiment is present at the moment. words are of course invaluable but i can’t seem to find my tongue in fear of being tactless and forthright, and above all be exposed to such vulnerability. it is downright scary. i have always been comfortable in expressing my emotions, in that, i am not afraid to delve into it. it is one of the things i take pride of is my self-awareness. but i was not always comfortable showing my emotions to people. even in my close knit of friends. the three words i cannot seem to utter. sigh. so i compensate through my words and actions. and i read this somewhere, “never apologize for showing feelings. when you do so, you apologize for truth.”
Filed under: one of those moments
he has a way of making me smile. let me rephrase that: he has a way of making my heart smile. he does it so effortlessly. i’m not hard to please. mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko. nowadays most guys lack the effort, they do something cheesy, or show-off. somewhere in between sincerity gets lost. but he and i just jive. a spark that can’t be faked. the wonderful thing about what we have is that it’s strictly platonic. if i had my way it wouldn’t be. hahahaha. we are thousands of miles away from each other. it’s not that i want him to be my boyfriend because it’s not even about that. i’m not quite sure if the dynamic we do have when we chat will be the same in person. i just like having him around. sometimes when i’m sad, i would just read our convos. it cracks me up late night kulitans…
him: well im gonna log in wid my fone again so if you get the urge or if you just miss me you can holler
me: hahahaha. k if i miss u.
him: if
me: hahaha.
him: ayt im outta here
me: k log in to ur phone na
him: wow you mis me already?
Filed under: kagaguhan, one of those moments
i just got home from what i thought was an adventure of some sort. i’m not rigid and i’m not going to complain about every little shit that happened tonight. but i was reminded how precisely i hate to go somewhere trendy and crowded and filled with careless youngsters. i am young myself but i have reached that age where that type of partying gets old. for me it was a short phase. i drank a few prior to heading out to west hollywood. i was fairly buzzed. but i quickly sobered up after the long walk, cold breeze and loud people. i was bit turned off by the whole setting. perhaps it was the crowd that night. for the most part yung mga tao ay super plastik. there are certain days when you can go to west hollywood and it’s fairly decent. but tonight was crazy. i spoke with these three gay filipinos. hahaha. nagbullshitan kami hahaha and we took pictures. hahaha. i will be remembered as this girl they took pictures with at the abbeys. and no i wasn’t drunk. naging extra lang. it’s all good.
if you know me, you know that i don’t like going to these large venues. i’d rather hang out somewhere intimate or chill in a friend’s house. we went out because it was my best friend’s birthday. i didn’t want him to feel sad. i wanted him to be amongst people. i didn’t really expect to go to the abbey’s and walk around the strip. i was happy at tita que’s house.
it was hard to take care of a 6′2 man. i’m a little girl. but i was able to drive us home safely, all in one piece. if he had fainted, i wouldn’t know how to drag him in the house. but i love him to death and his best friend forever therefore taking care of him is nothing. labor of love. ayyyyowwwn.
Filed under: one of those moments
