sentimientos

Hindi ko mawari ang nasa sa loobin ko. sari-saring sentimyento na bumabagabog sa utak ko — parang isang daan lamok lumilipad, walang kasing ingay. Nakakabalisa! At wala ka rin magawa kasi hindi naman lahat ng bagay ay may solusyon o agad agad malulutasan lalo na kung ang problema ay tungkol sa pag-ibig. Pilitin mo man dun din ang bagsak. Tama nga nanay ko na mahirap kalimutan ang kaunaunahang lalake sa buhay mo. Mahirap talikuran. Tumakbo man, tumatakbo pa-ikot pabalik sa kanya. Anak nang tinapa!

Filed under: kagaguhan, sweat|blood|tears , emo, tagalog

talking gibberish

it is quite an interesting state to be in sedation (or in the process of being sedated) because you are blanketed by the arms of sleep. the medicine slowly lulls you to sleep. but claritin-d and i have a turbulent relationship. the medicine kicks in and your senses becomes somewhat numb and you feel soft. one would think the next step would be for me to be knocked out. in the contrary, i am not knocked out. i am partially awake -obviously- and my body is trying to shut down but the brain is still in motion. i am in between being knocked out and being awake; ergo, a vision of a zombie-like creature that smell like vicks. how lovely! instead of tossing and turning X amount of times, cursing and fake sleeping, i decided to write. it enables me to compartmentalize my disarrayed thoughts so that i can digest it and understand it. this is when my left-brain goes to work and into overtime: analyzing and scrutinizing it to pieces.

it’s on my mind right now. it floats every now and then in the forefront of my mind. it’s complicated. yet at the same time it’s lovely. when in the moment things are simple and it feels right. it feels raw and honest. words are at times not of necessity but one can engross whatever sentiment is present at the moment. words are of course invaluable but i can’t seem to find my tongue in fear of being tactless and forthright, and above all be exposed to such vulnerability. it is downright scary. i have always been comfortable in expressing my emotions, in that, i am not afraid to delve into it. it is one of the things i take pride in, is my self-awareness. but i was not always comfortable showing my emotions to people. even in my close knit of friends. the three words i cannot seem to utter. sigh. so i compensate through my words and actions. one day i’m going to be able to blurt it out.

i read this somewhere,

“never apologize for showing feelings. when you do so, you apologize for truth.”

i like it. it doesn’t actually tie in to what i am saying but i just saw it. i wanted to add it. yown.

Filed under: wala lang , claritin, gibberish, random

au-dessous des etoiles

Last night, while I was outside the backyard w/ our dog, I noticed one big star up above. I realized that I don’t go outside anymore to gaze at the stars. It was my past time. There is something hopeful and mysterious about stars. They are just beautiful to look at. Anyhoo, the kid in me came out and started to wish. I closed my eyes, tightly shut, and wished. I wish, I wish, I wish. Hahahahaha. Hopefully, it comes true because I feel like shit. It doesn’t hurt to try, right?

I found this cool site benettonplay, which has a lot of cool stuff. One is which is Flipbook maker. I used to get a kick out of those when I was younger. So, I made one.

Filed under: links, wala lang , doodle, flash, heart, stars

ceiling cracks

i have never looked forward to anything or anyone more and the possibilities that it holds than him and the future it seems to promise. it sounds absurd and even insane to feel that way about a certain someone that you have just met. but it is a feeling that i rarely encounter and a feeling that not even my wild imaginings can fabricate. it is the feeling of calm excitement that stirs my insides, the glow in my eyes -steady gleam that radiates- as i stare at my ceiling cracks with amazement. i lay there in my bed, in what seemed like clouds, wondering, mind-wandering, awed and wowed. it was the kind of conversation that signal familiarity. “what was that all about?”, i kept saying. it left me breathless. i was speechless. it took awhile for the glow to subside. it was in the wee hours of the morning, aurora’s light appeared. the final flicker of eros’ ember waned and finally i slept, with a smile on my face.

it is inconceivable to think of the possibilities. but it is a farfetched dream that i wouldn’t mind dwelling in at all. i’m a damn fool.

Filed under: one of those moments , random

ilusyon

you are real –
as real as the sound of
keys clicking/clacking to
the beat of my words
strumming rapidly
out of my mind.
YAHOOOOO!
you are a fake –
a figment of my imagination.
the clatter of tapped keys
slowly fades away and so do
you. now, you’re just a spectre -
an illusion conjured up in a
drunken stupor.

you are neither real nor fake but a MIXTURE of both,
as you are made real by memories that are
INTANGIBLE in nature.

Filed under: sweat|blood|tears , poetry

the good die young

The young influential professor from Carnegie Mellon died early this morning from pancreatic cancer. He was only 47 years old, leaving behind his wife Jai and three small children. My heart and prayers go out to the Pausch family. Professor Pausch inspired millions of people with his remarkable and touching speech widely known as the “Last Lecture”. He lived his life fully until the end. I greatly admire his indestructible positivity, faith and zeal in life. I have praise for his bravery and undying spirit.

I want to become the kind of parent he was. I would like to embraced life as he did and faced it head on even if he was facing death. Life can be so complicated sometimes with various bullshit mingling and other adversities that come up. But he makes it sound so easy and doable. That is because of his never give up attitude and eternal optimism. He teaches us that the kid in us should never die — that we should continue to dream and set out to achieve those dream. He teaches us that anything is possible.

They say, the good die young. Yes, they do. Randy Pausch was an extraordinary.

some of the quotes that got me

Loyaly is a two way street…. Never give up…. Get a feedback loop and listen to it…. Show gratitude…. Don’t complain. Just work harder….

Remember brick walls let us show our dedication. They are there to separate us from the people who don’t really want to achieve their childhood dreams. Don’t bail. The best of the gold’s at the bottom of barrels of crap.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.

It’s very important to know when you’re in a pissing match. And it’s very important to get out of it as quickly as possible.“

Filed under: hommage , hommage, randy pausch

DOCTOR DOCTOR I AM SICK

Current mood: cheerful

dr. jung has made my work week. i haven’t smiled like that for a very long time. he made me blush and giggle like a school girl. oh man. how i love to go to work.

fortunately, i wasn’t dressed too shabbily tonight. for some reason i had the energy to fix myself up today. and it’s nice when the person you want to look at you, takes notice of you and acknowledges you not by the compliments he gives but by the way he looks at you and how he is around you sighs. brought a smile to my face and it carried on till i finished the task at hand.

he says, “we’re crossing paths again. we seem to cross paths a lot.” hay naku wish ko lang araw araw nga. came back to the room and we had a mini conversation. haseeeesh.. haseeeesh.

Filed under: kagaguhan

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE!

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Perfect happiness is living life in accordance to your passions with such drive and purpose. Perfect happiness is waking up in the morning and the first thing that greets you is the face of the one you love. The same face that you will see last at the end of the day. There will be an offspring or two that will drive you crazy, a lil cozy home that you can call your own that breathes your personality, and friends that you have for life. You can’t really ask for anything more.

What is your greatest fear?

Failure. I fear that my life will accumulate to nothing; that is, not to say that I will measure success in terms of wealth and possessions. By failure, I mean a life of no movement, no substance, and of misery. A life that is no longer yours. By failure, what I meant was the inability to maximize your potential and to truly live your life the way you want to live it.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Jane Austen, Albert Camus, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Pablo Neruda, Billie Holiday.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I think too much. I think to the point of exhaustion.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Love, loyalty, and affection.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Hahahaha. Abstinence and to some extent patience.

What is your favorite journey?

It would have to be the one that started on November 22, 1982, that I pray will continue on for a long, long time. A journey that I hope that will continue to be fruitful and meaningful till the last flicker of life’s ember.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

None. You’ve got to be happy with what you’ve got. [Hahahahaha]. But my least favorite is my forehead.

Which words or phrases do you must overuse?

For some reason lately I’ve been quite a potty mouth. I’d say tangina a lot and shit.

What is your greatest regret?

Hmmm. In various instances, I should have been more aggressive and forthright with things. I don’t like to dwell on the what ifs and the should have beens.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Chismosa, Chismoso! My family, my future hubby, my future family and my real friends.

When and where were you happiest?

When I am in the company of the ones I love.

Which talent would you most like to have?

To be the greatest mother to my [future] children.

What is your current state of mind?

I would like to shut off distractions for now, which I find very difficult. I don’t want to exacerbate things, waste my time for things I have no control over. I’ve to gear myself up to getting my license. Afterwards, I’ve to pursue my grad studies.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Not a damn thing. You’ve got to be happy with what you’ve got.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Life’s yet to unfold…But if I could fast-forward and if god grants me then it would be my children.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

A bird.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

I’ll repeat what Quincy Jones said, “When you are not able to turn darkness into light. It is a choice.” I would also say poverty. Nothing deters your spirit more than poverty.

What is your favorite occupation?

Any where you can creatively express yourself.

What is your marked characteristic?

Never-ending curiosity, love pats, my loud laugh, lip movements.

What quality you most like in a man?

The ability to express and convey what he truly thinks and feels without thinking it as a sign of weakness. Also, a big heart and an open mind.

What quality do you most like in a woman?

An honest heart, depth of understanding, forgiving, inner and outer beauty.

Who are your favorite writers?

Pablo Neruda, Laura Esquivel, Albert Camus, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Tolstoy, Edith Wharton, Ernest Hemingway.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

I would have to say the Little Prince in Saint-Exupery’s tale.

Who are your heroes in real life?

I don’t know about heroes. But I admire Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Jose Rizal, Antonio Carlos Jobim and others.

What is it that you most dislike?

I hate bullshit!

How would you like to die?

Uuuum. I would like to die peacefully in my sleep after seeing the sunset, having wine and dinner with family and friends, sharing nostalgic stories and laughing, kissing and hugging each one of them, and making sweet, rawr passionate love with my man.

What is your motto?

In Robert Frost’s words he states “life goes on”. There’s the “I’d rather say, ‘I’m sorry I did it’ than ‘I wish I had,’ “and “live each day as if it was the last”.

Filed under: wala lang , PROUST

EMOTIONAL WEATHER REPORT

Current mood: calm

Calm like a bird on a perch, watching passerby. I often see a lone pigeon, on a light post. It is unusual to see a bird by itself because generally they travel and compose in packs. There are times I see one pigeon at the edge of the perch by itself, while the others on the far left mingling together. I am that bird on that perch. You travel within the pack, mingle and coexist. But there is an element of detachment that separates you from the others. It feeds off the feeling of not belonging. It is not that you are marginalized. It’s just you don’t quite fit in. It’s like flying amongst homogenized grey colored flock and you are the only weird looking, white feathered pigeon. I am that weird looking, white feathered pigeon on that perch.

There is something about being calm that alarms a person more. It makes you wonder. Could this be the calm before the storm? Only a true pessimist would say that. I feel all right with the world and at one with the universe. For once the heavens dropped lower, within an earshot, at my beck hermeneutically whispering of what’s to come. Oh dear Hermes do relay what the stars have in store. It is a feeling I haven’t felt before or I have but not quite like this. I am not sure if it’s confidence that I exude or just have that optimistic belief that everything will turn out just fine. I have picked out the prickling thorns. I can breathe easier.

The saying goes:

“When you want something the whole universe conspires in helping you in achieving it.” [Alchemist, P. Coelho].

So Eros, universe and cosmic conspirators get to work and let’s conspire!

Filed under: one of those moments

oh astrud gilberto

it is a bit hazy but not murky. it is quite like the ambiance of foggy london town. yes, it is queer to juxtapose one’s emotional stature to the atmospheric conditions of london. but i couldn’t think of a better simile to describe it vividly. not many people enjoys that kind of weather. it is a bit gloomy and cold. then again, it is like looking at a situation glass half-full. i beg to differ. i think it grows on you. of course, the sun is the best possible option. if you live in southern california or anywhere sunny, the sun is of abundance. it is the typical socal weather. from time to time, it gets a bit cool and hazy. socal weather is unpredictable, you know. at times we get hazy conditions at random moments.

the previous emotional weather report had me compared to a weird looking, white-feathered pigeon. now i find myself depicting my current disposition to atmospheric conditions. yes, it is a bit somber but not depressing. i think things move in cyclical fashion. you will have your highs and lows. eh. you just have to navigate through the ebb and flow. there is a certain sadness that looms. perhaps it is unavoidable. so while we’re caught here got a thought or two i need to share with you. here goes…

i like to have control. who doesn’t? i don’t mind giving the reigns to someone else. it’s just that i get so impatient. i should be emphatic. but sometimes it is tiring to be understanding. you wonder, “what the hell am i trying to understand here?”. is there something i ought to know, you’re finding hard to say? [sighs]. most of it was of my own doing. but i would never do it on a whim. everything was calculated and scrutinized to pieces, though the logic around it was not on point. i would never pour my heart and soul over something and or someone, if there wasn’t any type of stimulus or response. i would not waste my sweat and tears if i didn’t think it was worthy of my time. now, it’s another thing if the cause in question was worthy of it. kapag tumibok, patuloy yan tumitibok na walang pahintuan, at wala ka na magagawa. bihag ka na.

i no longer know what to do but secede and give free reigns to whatever kontras that are out there. it is not to say that i’ve lost. kapag nagmahal ka naman, hindi ka talo. i remember someone telling me that. i have to let go. i have to have more faith. darn it eros! we need to coordinate, work with me here. i have to conspire with the cosmic conspirators and get the whole universe revved up. i need to have faith. soooo, done deal. i let go.

i walk amidst the foggy london town. it’s not the best of all possible worlds, but it will do. i am quite all right. and it’s oh so clear. yes, it’s oh so clear to me now.

and now i’m wondering whether weather like this gets you too?

Filed under: one of those moments